The Middle School Parent

Your Child Is Entering Middle School. Now What?

The transition from elementary to middle school is one of the biggest milestones in a child’s life. It’s an exciting time for them and you. Middle school students are on their way to becoming more independent, developing broader academic and extracurricular interests, and navigating new friend groups—all while their bodies and hormones are changing.

Middle school can also be an incredibly challenging time for students and parents. As your child goes through puberty and starts to assert their independence, they also have to contend with a new level of academic, athletic, and social pressure. The need to fit in and be “perfect” in the eyes of their peers, especially in a place like South Orange County, is intense during the middle school years. This peer pressure can drive your child’s personality and behavior just as their brains and social persona are developing.

As upsetting as it can be for parents of adolescents to deal with their unpredictable behavior, it should be comforting to know that so much of what’s happening with your child is normal and a necessary part of their development as they move into adulthood.

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Raising adolescents can be challenging. Sometimes you might wonder why they do things or make decisions that don’t make sense. It’s because the rational part of their brain is still maturing. In fact, their brains aren’t fully developed until age 25. Middle school children think with the emotional part of their brains and often act impulsively, even when they are smart and doing well in school.

A Work in Progress

The area of the brain responsible for skills like planning and controlling impulses is located in the front part of the brain and is called the prefrontal cortex. It is one of the last brain regions to mature. Because these planning and self-control skills are still developing, adolescents are more likely to engage in risky behaviors without considering the potential results of their decisions.

Middle school brain development is so intense that it is second only to the brain development a baby undergoes during ages 0-15 months. Although adolescence is a vulnerable time for the brain and for youth in general, most middle school children go on to become healthy adults.

The Pressure to Be Perfect

Youth who live in South Orange County identify that they feel the pressure to be perfect in many aspects of their lives.
There’s academic pressure to get the best grades, social pressure to look and act a certain way, and performance
pressure to be the best athlete. Sometimes children put this extreme pressure on themselves. Other times, the
pressure comes from multiple directions— school, home, coaches, friends, and social media. As your child enters
middle school, these pressures begin to build. Now is the time to protect your child and strengthen their ability to
succeed amidst the budding pressures of perfectionism.

The Perception of Perfection

Perfectionism—the perceived need to be perfect—can contribute to depression, anxiety, alcohol and drug use, and other behavioral health concerns even in middle school. In short, perfectionism can be harmful to a child’s well-being. Social media’s portrayal of perfect online lives can add to these feelings. Children who struggle with perfectionism can turn to alcohol and other drugs as a way to self-medicate or try to fit in better. When youth use drugs and alcohol to numb their pain or gain popularity among their peers, they miss out on learning healthier ways to work through their mental health and social challenges.

Addressing Perfection at Home

Parents are the strongest influence in a child’s life, even if your middle school student doesn’t show it! It’s important to let your child know you understand these pressures and actively listen to them when they voice what they are going through. It’s important to make sure they understand the difference between striving for excellence, which is a healthy goal, and trying to achieve perfection, which is impossible.

Many parents find it helpful to have a family discussion about values and expectations. What’s in the best interest of your child’s emotional well-being? Is there too much pressure, either from you or your child, to earn good grades? How do compassion, self-motivation, effort, hard work, and success fit together in a healthy way for your child and your family?

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Providing stability and support to our children by encouraging honest dialogue will help them build resiliency and lifelong coping skills so they won’t need to lean on substances or risky behaviors when the pressure is on.

Parental
involvEment

Because middle schools are larger and more complex than elementary schools, parental involvement looks different. Instead of volunteering at recess or in your child’s classroom, the best way to stay connected is through the school’s parent portal and by participating in events, such as parents’ nights and school-sponsored parent groups. While this will keep you informed about school policies and your child’s academics, knowing what’s going on in their personal and social life requires a new set of skills and strategies.

Knowledge Is Power

A child needs their parents to set clear expectations so they don’t use alcohol and other drugs while their brains are still developing. They also need to hear from you that being “perfect” is not a realistic or attainable goal. Empowering your child to make their own decisions will set them up for success in middle school, high school, and beyond.

The Importance of Communication

Just talking about the things that make them anxious can reduce the amount of anxiety your child feels. Talking and listening also helps you understand what’s going on for your child. And when you understand, you’re better able to help your child manage anxieties or find solutions to problems.

Friends vs. Parents: Who Matters More?